last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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