Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That accounts for only three of the penises
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
