so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize