tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
