She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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