my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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