I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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