I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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