Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
this boner is exhausting
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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