I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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