i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
