Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
