I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
