I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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