Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
