1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
