Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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