I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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