You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
