Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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