I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize