i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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