just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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