A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize