you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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