Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
