im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
