This is not my ceiling
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
