i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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