Soap is not a condiment
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
