hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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