I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
