I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
