I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
