woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
