I heard we made out
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize