Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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