I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
