He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
