And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize