Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Randomize
