Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
