i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize