I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
