ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
