Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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