Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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