why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
