Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
