I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
