he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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