Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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