It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
