Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize