Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
