Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
