I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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