What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
